I like Oprah but I can’t say I’ve been a devoted watcher over the years. Life has been busy and didn’t afford the scope or time to consume the show while my children were growing up. There were few episodes I managed to see.
However, there was one episode I viewed which left an indelible impression on me and positively impacted on my parenting style. The episode was an interview with a woman dying of cancer and her daughter. I think the daughter was around nine years old. It was intensely moving.
The mother talked of the last holiday they had shared together. She stressed how she wanted her daughter to have this memory after she was gone, and she had tried her best to make this holiday happen.
Oprah asked the daughter whether this was going to be a significant memory of her time with her mother. The daughter said no. Instead, in a manner that was wholly youthful, she explained that her favourite memory was going to be eating cereal with her mother in the mornings, nestled up next to her in bed.
Oprah probed and asked what she liked most about those moments. The daughter responded that it was because her mother was there. It wasn’t about going places. Rather, the fact that her mother had been with her, and that she could feel her presence on those special mornings. It was their time together. This unblemished time of simple mindfullness was the most coveted by this child. Eating cereal next to her mother in the mornings.
We all think about the important life decisions we make for our children – where to live, where they go to school, what extracurricular activities they have. But sometimes the effort that goes into making sure there is the money to finance all these key features can detract from a foundational necessity – that you are an active presence within your child’s life.
That’s not to say that you live in their pockets or stifle their independence, but just that you foster in your children the feeling of security and foundational support. Their faith that they can reach out and talk to you, or if they might not be comfortable (for whatever reason), that it’s clear you will facilitate their communication with those that can help them.
Being a parent is daunting, demanding and exhausting. It has its own rewards and pitfalls. However, when you get lost in the weeds, I have always found it best to get back to basics of the necessity for constancy. There will be times when you will not be able to reach them, and that’s okay. There is no such thing as the prefect parent. But in your role as a mother or father, on this front, you can aim to be a door and a net. Your resolve can be to implant within your children the concept that your door is propped open 24/7, and that your net is made of resilient, full-proof fibres.
Maintaining this constancy of purpose requires an attention to detail, time, and the most challenging of all — putting the child’s needs first. I find this last aim to be the most demanding of couples during family breakups.
This parental goal requires a commitment to showing up and being there for their achievements, disappointments, and mess ups. Is means attending the little events that may seem insignificant to you as an adult but represents your visibility and participation in their world. It’s the thin build up of demonstrative interest that matters and will be significant when crisis hits and your child faces challenges in their growth journey.
That’s not to say that you will get this right 100% of the time. None of us achieves this high bar as parents. Instead, we strive to be there for them so that as they grow and encounter challenges, they can be guided and nurtured as life demands.
You also need to remember that children know (on a very basic fundamental survival level) how much their security and survival depends on a parent. To a child, each parent is like one of their legs. Each holds them up, moves them forward in life, and personifies their growth.
Children take their legs for granted. They expect that for each day that they wake up, for those legs to facilitate their movements throughout their day, and throughout their world. It can be said that it’s the same expectation of their parents during life – even as adults, no one realises the significance of a missing piece of life’s puzzle until it’s gone. A parent is a major puzzle piece. In fact, it’s the straight edge that frames the picture of one’s life.
So, a parent’s huge challenge is that of constancy. To simply be there. To support, nurture, and to be emotionally available. How you meet the challenge of constancy requires understanding yourself, structuring your life plan, time management and establishing balance.
Currently, is your life balanced? It might be wise to pause and do a sanity check.
